My partner and I seem so incompatible at the moment. The old saying, “opposites attract” comes to mind but I suspect we have far more in common than we are different. Since the meltdown we seem to be anchored in our differences. We are both trying to recover in our own ways. For my partner that means talking it through and making sure I understand the situation from her point of view. For me it is trying to regain my equilibrium and continue my life. I do this, like many autistic people, by keeping to myself and trying to do things I enjoy. I avoid the more difficult stuff if possible (like meeting people) or do it in moderation with space to recover.
I had my recorder group around the house this morning. Hosting means providing a hot drink, something to eat and a warm place to play. Not hard to do for me but something extra to remember never-the-less. Hosting also means more time at home and avoiding travelling. I am so tired after playing though. The energy required to concentrate whilst playing in a group is often ignored but when you think about it the number of things going on, it is quite a balancing act. I have to read the music, keeping track of the right line and bar. I have to listen to what I am playing to give a good tone. I have to listen to four other parts regarding their rhythm, tone and pitch too. I adjust what I play in accordance to what others are doing. None of this comes easy when I am the sort of person that likes to do one thing at a time. But music making, if nothing else, provides a distraction or break from the fallout of the meltdown. The problem is that I don’t have any energy left to process the latest debate that happened this morning.
I doze off. Awake again, I am sitting on the sofa in front of the wood burning stove. The heat powered fans spinning away on top, moving the heated air around the room. For the sake of my relationship I need to think back to Sunday and relive the meltdown but I don’t want to. Those memories hurt. This morning was the first time when my head seemed to be clear again. Able to function like it did before the meltdown. Headaches gone. The fog cleared. But there was the twice weekly tidying to be done with my partner. This provided her with the opportunity to ask me when would be a good time to talk about Sunday. I am on a stool, stacking my pills into the top of a cupboard when this happens. I don’t have an answer for her. Will there ever be a good time to talk about it?
I am in the middle of doing something, and I am being asked a question I don’t have an answer for aside of “I don’t know”. And that isn’t an allowable answer. So unintentionally we start “discussing” now, except it is more of throwing accusations at each other. Why can’t you do this? Why does it always have to be one your terms? My terms? I don’t want to feel like this. Why? Why? Why? It doesn’t do either of us any good. We are both reminded of our differences. Reminded of wounds that need different methods to heal and the inability of each other to do what the other wants to happen.
If seems a bit like Brexit to me. People focus on the difficulties rather than bearing in mind the similarities. The greater good I suppose. The lack of wars. The free movement of trade and people. The feeling of belong to something greater. The support each country gives each other in times of trouble. The mixing of cultures and ideas to produce something better. But times are tough and so individuals start focusing on their own pains and resent supporting others who are now classified as different. Instead of looking at Europe’s response to immigration, it becomes looking at the UK’s response to immigration and finding it wanting. Blame follows dissatisfaction. The people blame the government, the government blames Europe so the people blame Europe. Rather than seeing immigration as a sign of people want to move somewhere better, it is seen as an invasion taking away resources.
Where does this leave me and my relationship? It leaves me wondering about the greater good that is done when we are working together. I am lost and frightened and I am looking to blame someone perhaps. What can I do to take responsibility for my actions? I want to keep the status-quo but that has led to my meltdown therefore that desire for not changing is illogical. It is up to me to make changes, but I don’t know how. There is nothing that says I can’t seek help though. Where to start? Perhaps I need to seek out the bigger picture. I need to keep in mind the greater good. Perhaps my partner can help me see that?