I had a meltdown on Sunday morning. And I am still recovering from it. Looking back it had been a tough week for me. As in busy. Each day I was fighting depression to get out of bed. I managed it too each day and as the day went on, my feeling is that they generally got a lot better. Saturday was tough too.

I didn’t sleep well Friday night because I was wound-up about the parkrun the next day. I manage the run but it was so hard to complete. I need to do something about my running or change my attitdue. After running we went chair shopping. Making decisions when shopping is always tough and finding a balance of looks, comfort, quality and price isn’t easy but we got there. Time was stretched though. I had an afternoon appointment with a friend to help me make some progress on a few projects around the house. Again we did good work but it squeezed my time I thought I would have before friends came around for dinner. I didn’t get a chance to recover before the socialising I suppose.

So it was so nice on Sunday morning to take it easy. To acknowledge that I was hungry and have something to eat. To sing along in harmony to songs. So share some fresh coffee with a friend and chat about the adventure they were planning. To sit and read the paper I had bought the day before.

The disagreement started around car usage. Moved onto family responsibilities. The family duty thing pushed me over. It seems to me that it is the assumptions and judgements that go on that trigger arguments. It happens on both sides of course.

As I left to escape the confrontation, the word “drama” was shouted out after me. I was so angry and dysfunctional for what seemed to me to be unjust accusations anyway that the sense that I was acting this fanned those flames.

I am struggle to write coherent sentances now.

I just needed to escape and try to gain control. I needed to get outside first. It would have made more sense to use the front door but I head to the kitchen. I think the back door being locked didn’t help me. I needed to unlock it, but the word “drama” was still ringing in my head.

I guess I needed to release the pressure in my head. I picked up a kitchen chair and bashed it on the floor until it broke. A voice behind me said something like “don’t break things, it costs money”. I opened the door and left the house. I walked in my slippers and indoor clothes in near freezing temperatures. I was shaking and panting, I felt like the state of the chair was more important than mine.

My long term friend visted that day from Edinburgh. He arrived whilst I was pacing the streets regaining control. When I had calmed down enough, I knew I wanted to keep walking but I also knew I needed to change my footwear. I returned home briefly to put on some shoes and grab a jumper and hat. My friend came to find me, and I explained I need to walk. He was due to eat lunch so I said I would me him later in town. Which we did.

I don’t know if I crossed a line when I smashed the chair.

I needed some help getting out of bed this morning. I listened to some of my favorite tracks. The last one was this by Depeche Mode, the first group I ever so live many, many years ago.