I am depressed today.
Why? I don’t really know.
Maybe the highlight task for the weekend,
Was a struggle too far?
My fifth parkrun seemed to be all over the place,
Faster at the beginning,
Slower at strange times,
And overall a struggling,
To keep my heart rate down,
And complete the circuit,
In a longer time.

Perhaps it would have been better with some company?
Perhaps running with 355 strangers was too much,
I certainly wanted to skip it,
Woke up late with dread,
Thinking of all the people,
That would be there,
Trying to remember,
The three things I needed,
Headphone, ticket, phone.

And I got there on time,
And I completed the circuit without stopping.

In my head that should be the goal achieved,
But I couldn’t help comparing myself with others,
Whether it was their cadence of step,
Their relaxed style,
Or ease of breathing,
Why does it look so easy?

And no matter what else I do,
There is a voice that wants me to do better,
I want to make it easier on myself,
Do I add in a third run each week?
Do I need to run further?
Should I do intervals?
Perhaps some strengthening exercises?
How about some hill work?

But all those things,
Seem to make runners faster,
And I don’t necessarily want to be fast,
Sure 5k in 30 minutes would be nice,
But I want to enjoy the experience,
I want to feel good about my performance,
And not breathe so heavily,
All the time.

Perhaps I can’t do that on my own.
Depression seems such a lonely struggle,
Getting myself out of bed,
To spend time tidying,
Sorry I don’t know if I like that painting being there,
This isn’t a good day to make changes.

This isn’t a good day for doing anything really,
But I need to push through this,
Today of all days I need to keep myself busy,
So I continue doing more tidying,
Because if feels like the chaos might overwhelm me,
I clear some boxes out of the den,
Cutting them up to put them into the recycling,
I decide where the new keyboard is to be stored,
I  pile some books on the shelf rather than the footstool.
It’s only a few things,
But the room seems so much better.

There you go,
I’ve done something.
I feel so tired,
Would it be okay to have a rest?
Perhaps a short snooze?
No, I think I need to press on.

Next the bedroom.
I put the two piles of folded clean clothes into drawers,
Then I sort through more piles,
Pulling out the t-shirts and jumpers that need folding,
I have a certain way of folding clothes,
It takes time and patience,
But makes more efficient use of space,
And allows clothes to be easily identified.
My corner looks a lot better,
Far from perfect,
But much better.

Now I deserve a rest surely?
Well a sit down at least,
But better to read a book,
A busy brain avoids the spiral of depression,
I read my book,
Its about space travel,
The consequences of travel hundreds of years,
In a closed society.
Fascinating.

My watch tells me I have been sitting too long,
And truth be told,
I will probably fall asleep if I sit here much longer,
Time to take the dog for a walk.
If I can persuade him.

The dogs seem okay to go out,
Not exactly excited,
But no refusing either.
We walk at a reasonable speed,
But stop rather a lot,
For sniffs and markings.
But it is slow progress,
And I’m not getting the exercise I need,
To push aside the blues,
For a bit.

I think perhaps we have gone too far,
So I turn back,
Normally his pace increases then,
But today he’s getting slower,
He still has his tail up in the air,
But I suspect his back is hurting more,
Should I carry him home?
No, I decide to go at his place.
I know what movement pain is like,
Take your time old man.

After he has eaten,
(Thank god he ate),
I give him some pain killers,
I wonder if I should go for a run,
I could go down the hill to the shops,
Get the baking potatoes,
And run back up.

But as I wait for my painkillers to kick in,
I discover one of the websites I’ve created,
Is offline again,
I look up the hosting company,
It’s a database issue this time,
Last night it was the server hardware,
Last week it was network upgrade.
Depression allows my anger to surface,
I’ve had enough of this company,
I decide to move the site to a different provider.

I have looked at making the move before,
But the anxiety of making a mistake,
Has been enough to stop me from doing it,
This time though,
I channel my anger,
This is affecting the charity’s ability to function.

I do the searches I’ve done before,
Looking for the descriptions of procedures,
It turns out to be pretty easy,
The new company is set up okay,
But the old company has to cooperate in the move,
I fear this could be tricky.
But it wasn’t,
An email to support requesting the change,
And two minutes later a reply,
To say the change has been put into motion.

Well done me.
Time to make some coffee I think,
Freshly ground,
After all,
It is good to make an effort.