There were things today, experiences today that I should be able to write about that were positive but whilst I can logically see them as positive things, I didn’t feel good about them. So do they count?
In my little purple notebook I wrote:
- Walking Bobby (my dog) – he seemed to be scared by something this morning. Repeatedly breaking the rules to get near me. A longish walk in the sunshine seemed to reset him;
- Writing about my work experiences – good to summarise about this and acknowledge this. I seem to be looking forward to writing the next blog on the musical get together later today;
- Drove to BoE 4 recorder playing – sociable, creative, flow state;
- Cooked dinner – family support;
- Brought in clothes washing from line – supporting family;
- Send some books to niece for her birthday tomorrow;
- Shifted bookcase through – combined project with wife, progress on tidying room, sorting books, positive feeling;
But as I lay awake in bed during the early hours of the next day after a rather vivid nightmare (small worms continuously burrowing in and out of my fingers). I realise that I do not take any joy in these things. I am depressed. I can recognise it now from my uncharacteristic behaviour towards my music playing and online video playing friends. I felt like I was being a bit short with them but trying not to show it.
And I think I know when this started. My bout of depression began when I did an online session on a program called “Beating the blues”. I found the software annoying in that it was wanting me to grade my level of depression or anxiety on a numerical scale. This just doesn’t compute in my head. What do those numbers mean in my experience? Then it told me it was sorry I was experiencing the things I had written about. This is a program, it would have told me it was sorry whatever I wrote about because I could tell it hadn’t analysed my answers. Then it made me watch a video of someone telling me how depressed they were, which triggered me into feeling horrible. What was the point of that? Then it wanted to know if I wanted to watch up to six other videos of people being depressed. I am so angry now.
I am supposed to sit with the program once a week to support myself in order to improve my depressive state. It has had to opposite effect and I’ve barely scratched its surface. What do I do now? I agreed to try this but I feel this is not good for me.
I am going to leave it alone but I feel I am breaking an agreement which feels plain wrong. I don’t think this program is suitable for me. Though I guess it does give me something to discuss at my next therapy session. A spark of positiveness in the end perhaps.
I am pretty sure I enjoyed picking cherries from my garden and eating them for breakfast.