I have just been lying awake in bed putting things on my “to-do” app and thinking of articles to write. Life is a bit of struggle at the moment as can be told by the number of posts I have written recently and I wonder if that is the same for everybody out there? There are a few people I follow on WordPress that post daily and because of that frequency those people become part of my daily routine. A bit like I will check the BBC news app in the morning to see what depressing things have happened overnight, seeing their near daily posts is something that I expect to see in my daily data. Like the BBC app, I wont always look at their posts every day but when I do sit down in some quiet moment, I notice their absence and wonder what is going on in their lives.
Now I would like to point out that I don’t find my daily WordPress posts depressing in general. They can be challenging and cause some sad reflections about my life, but on the whole they expand my world view in a positive, thought provoking way. This is in contrast to the BBC news app which like most of the world media finds the negative things in life most newsworthy (a reflection on what grabs people’s attention sadly). I look at this particular news app because I feel it is my duty as someone living in free democracy to be informed about the world and because the BBC perhaps has a lesser amount of bias in its reporting than other media outlets. I know some people will object to the latter part of the last sentence and that’s fine, bias is everyway including in this blog.
Anyway back to noticing absences. I was thinking of one particular person this morning, author of “The Silent Wave” blog, Laina Eartharcher. Ever since I started blogging she has been producing interesting posts of a depth and level that astonishes me. I have no idea where she gets the energy from to be such a prolific blogger even branching out to video more recently. And now I am a bit stumped because I see she posted on the 1st March and admits in the comments that she is “pretty good. Just busy at work”.
Am I projecting again? I don’t want to go down that line at the moment. The point I wanted to make is that if I wonder about fellow bloggers, perhaps some people wonder about me. <pause> And right there, I get that “aren’t you being a bit big headed here” feeling. Well sod it. I need to express myself and it is up to you whether you want to read it.
I have noticed that as my life as a late diagnosis autistic adult progresses into its second year post Aspie label that things seem to be gelling together. A sense of the real self is coalescing and I am starting to look outward more. I am also getting more things done. Life is pretty good but as I was getting busier, I half noted that I started to drop some of the things that have been supporting me. I stopped writing for the sake of it and instead starting writing more meaningful articles which took longer to develop and craft. They took so long and so much energy in fact that I started to avoid writing because it was too difficult and I couldn’t find the right phrases, flow or words.
Having things hanging around on my to-do list tends to weight down on my spirit too. They tend to resonate with depressive tendencies. I start not using a to-do list because I know what is weighing me down and I don’t need the reminder. I know what I need to deal with but can’t. Other things get avoided and little by little the negative thoughts build up. Life gets hard because I get overwhelmed by not doing things. I lose sight of the things I do achieve because that is not where my focus is.
One of the reasons I write is to combat depression, in fact it was the driving force in writing this blog in the first place. The force that lead me to my autistic conclusions and the force that got me through my diagnosis. Writing allows me to reflect and in this particular post, allows me to acknowledge not only that I am struggling with depression again, but allows me to celebrate my successes:
- Through a mutual friend, I contacted another late diagnosed AS adult by email, found a convenient time and actually met up with them in a café a few days agao;
- My car has been successfully repaired and returned to me;
- I have rearranged my working hours so that I can go to a local support group;
- Yesterday I went back to the weekly music group I co-founded for the first time in well over six months (I think);
- I used my to-do list;
- I have started trying to “tweet” when I recognise my autistic-trait reactions;
- I have written this post.
There are still plenty of things bothering me too but I will leave that for now.