Writing about Abandon
Abandon is a word that only really gets used in the present tense as an action. When I think about abandon I keep switching to abandoned because it has happened in the past. The rubbish was abandoned, the unwanted dog was left tied to a tree in a park, the out of date computer left at the recycling centre. There are times when I have abandoned people because I could not cope with interacting with them anymore. My mind became so overwhelmed that I had to escape from the situation because I was losing myself in a maelstrom of uncontrollable emotion. For for my own sake I have abandoned loved ones and run off to find a quiet place to reset myself. To calm the storm. To regain control. It is a horrible experience which I try to avoid. I loathe myself when it happens even though since my diagnosis, I now know that it isn’t in my control. Rather than abandon people, I now make try very hard not to get into a situation that will trigger the meltdown. It means being more self-centred at times, but in some ways it also means I am not abandoning myself.