It has been a while since I have posted anything. The main reason for this is my trip to Canada and the demands that made on my energy levels. I feel I want to write something about that and I have several thoughts for posts but I wonder if their time has passed. If not detailed posts then maybe a summary but I can’t seem to construct that in my head either, maybe I should just dive in and see what comes out but I have a sense it could turn into a short book which I am not sure I want to commit to particularly as my “travel” posts don’t seem to be so popular. I try to write for myself but I can’t deny I enjoy seeing that other people have read and liked them. As you can see, I’m a bit conflicted over Canada.

Then there are current events taking place. On my return I found I had an appointment the next day to see a speech and language therapist at my local Mental Health Hospital in the Adult Autism Community Support Team (something like that anyway). There was no information as to what the appointment was about but I had the sense that if I didn’t take the appointment, I could be waiting months for another. How long has it been since I saw the psychiatrist? Searching through my own posts I see it was around the 12th March which means it is nearly 5 months since my diagnosis. Well I thought it was a diagnosis but it seems that this was just the first stage and the findings needed to be further explored by the Adult Autism Consultancy Team. Hence my appointment on my return.

I want to write about this experience but I am feeling rather depressed at the moment so I need to address that too. I have really enjoyed the last couple of days because the jet lag was dissipating and I was getting things done. I have managed to swim these days too and had a good day a work yesterday clearing long term issues apparently free of important and urgent issues. Coming home hasn’t been easy though. The rather wet and cool Scottish summer is a bit of a contrast to Canada and I have found a house full of people without my refuge available taxing too. Perhaps because today is Saturday, a day without any structure from my point of view but no, I can’t seem to analyse at the moment, I am too on edge.

My partner wanted me to look through all the dates she had put on the calendar. I probably found this overwhelming enough but on days when she had booked multiple events I made comments about being anxious about them or expecting to find them stressful. My partner pointed out that I could look at this another way which I took to mean that she was saying my attitude was wrong and I would be better off if I looked at these events in her way.

But I hesitate to write because I am not sure if I am remembering things correctly and I can’t seem to process what happened clearly. There have been a number of times recently when it feels like my reaction to events gets ignored or dismissed but I can’t recall what they are despite making a list. My head isn’t functioning well. I think I need to seek oblivion in sleep and then maybe go for some exercise. Writing or talking seems too much right now. I’ll be back.

It is the next day now. I am still feeling fragile. I went to rest yesterday afternoon then went for a pretty tough swim. I can back home to a dinner party which was nice enough and where I retold some of my experiences of Canada. By 7.30pm I was itching to take the dog for a walk but worked through my need to escape and made it to the end of the meal reasonably engaged. Our guests left around 9pm and the dog and I had a shortish walk because it was raining. I sat down with my partner on our return and we talked through the issues. We were both shaken up so it was good to reset things. I stayed up late last night and hence got up late this morning. I’m not sure that was a good thing but it did mean I seemed to sleep well for more hours than previous nights.

I guess coming back from holiday is always stressful. So much change has to happen to reacclimatise to life at home. I guess I am not there yet. I wish it would stop raining; I miss the sunshine of Canada.