I have woken up early today and I can feel the anxiety building in my body and I try to push it down. I am not sure anxiety is the right word. It comes in waves, sometimes it is tinged with panic and I know that if I don’t get a grip, it will turn to terror. It becomes terror when I am overtaken with anxiety, paralysed and tormented by my thoughts. There are a lot of thoughts at the moment.
Will the dog be okay with me being away for four weeks?
What countries does my travel insurance cover?
Why didn’t I think of marking my treats? Crisps and custard tarts gone in one day!
What is enjoyment? Did I used to know? Is it hiding inside me somewhere?
Why don’t I ask for help more? Share more? Perhaps I wouldn’t feel a second class citizen if I did?
Two precious old friends passed through the house this month; did I even ask if they were happy?
What am I supposed to do with my life? How am I supposed to know?
Should I take out excess cover for that care hire?
Where am I going to put those plants? There isn’t much time left. Can I leave the bigger one to sort out after the trip?
I can’t believe I’m off to Canada in three days time; what the hell am I doing?
How much should I cut my beard and hair?
If I had a blank slate, could turn my life back to 18, what would I choose to do? What stops me for doing that now I am 50? What is that?
Is shortbread enough to take as a gift?
What do I like doing? Are they just distractions? Does it matter if they are?
Where will the milky way be when I am in Canada?
Should I load up lightroom on my laptop?
Do I have less tolerance the older I get?
When should we head to Glasgow on Monday? Do I still need to cook dinner?
Now I feel less burdened, though it is a temporary measure. The thoughts are not coming at the moment but I am feeling more weary. Not enough sleep I guess. I need to filter through these questions, organize them, decide priorities and accept that some will have to wait for answers. Some will never be answered.
In order to live I know that I need new experiences, new opportunities to learn. And now I am wondering if maybe I should concentrate on learning things that I want to retain rather than things I feel I should retain. I feel it is a good thing to learn some Canadian history but it doesn’t stick in my mind, is it important that I learn it? Human beings are terribly prone to making the same mistakes again and again, I feel we all should learn history to avoid repeating some of our greatest mistakes but perhaps it is the principals that need to be kept in mind that are more important. Free speech and always being open to questioning and discussion spring to mind.
I think I am moving into philosophy or is it politics? I think it is beyond my mind at the moment.