I haven’t been settled enough of late to be creative enough to write which is shown by my last post being six days ago. Now that I have been back home for a couple of days with its familiar sounds and people, I can go to my writing area, relax for a bit and then see what comes to mind. Unfortunately, nothing concrete does come to mind and though I guess I could do one of those random thoughts posts, it seemed best to see what suggestions the daily post has in store. So I look in my email and see two words suggested which is a bit confusing at first (why two?) but on examination the word suggestion is “loop” whilst the weekly photograph suggestion is “transient”. This is disappointing since I thought I could do something with transient but it is loop that I have.
Strangely enough (in my head at least), both loop and transient suggest something to do with time to me. A loop suggests something that starts in a place, continues for a bit and then ends up back where it started and whilst we can see loops in our environment if you think about time being another dimension in our experience, then the loops we perceive are actually helices in space-time. It takes time to trace your finger around a circle and whilst your finger may end up back where is started in physical space, in a space-time graph, you finger has moved forward along the time axis.
I think I also have a bit of a sense of time looping with my life too. There are events that repeat themselves though they are never the same, the essence of the experience is similar. For instance, when I went to Barcelona I found it difficult to write, difficult to take in the experience and on a fundamental level difficult to be comfortable in an environment I was unfamiliar with. The same thing happened when I recently spent time in Edinburgh celebrating a family birthday. There were a dozen or so people staying in a rented house, and though this time I knew the city much better (having lived there for seven years), I still had difficultly being comfortable in an unfamiliar routine. Both experiences had a certain level of anxiety attached to them before I went, and both experiences required recovery time at home before I felt okay again.
Another experience that happened to me in Edinburgh was that I came down with food poisoning and was suddenly vomiting every fifteen minutes in the early hours of Sunday morning. Thankfully the throwing up bit only lasted for two and a half hours but despite being in a large house full of people, everybody else was asleep. Not that I make a habit of getting food poisoning, but it was severity of the episode that was familiar and the familiar sort of thoughts that went through my head. Do I need to wake my wife up? (I did eventually.) How can I keep being sick when there is literally nothing left in my stomach? (seems 15mins allows enough time for the fluid to be of a sufficient level.) How much dehydration can my body take? (remembering the pre-transplant times when I would pop into hospital for a saline and glucose drips.) I don’t know how much more of this I can take? (I’ve survived much worse than this.) Thankfully exhaustion took over and I slept. When I awoke the stomach pain had eased and I just had to deal with the diahorrea.
But I also have a sense of reliving parts of my life but through the eyes of someone else. My daughter graduates from University tomorrow and I am reminded of my own graduation from my first degree. Rather than being the person wearing the gown and hood, I will be the parent in the audience waiting for the few seconds when she is on stage receiving her degree. I guess I am seeing the loop, the graduation event, from the other side, the outside. In a sense you could say I am combining the graduation experience into a mobius strip, a loop which only has one side. I rather like that thought.