I am on my own for a few days. There is a freedom associate with being on my own but there is also responsibility. The freedom comes from not having to do anything I don’t want to and those things I do want to do, can be done on my own timetable. The responsibility comes from having to look after myself body and mind. This responsibility means that I do actually have some things to do. I have to get on and live my life. What does living my life mean though? For me living means learning new things and trying different experiences. It is so easy not to do anything when I am on my own but the problem with that is that my head rebels and I can fall into depression.
It is nice to wake up on my own time clock instead of being woken up by others. It is nice to lay in bed not having to get up at any particular time but eventually I get a headache and I know for my own good that I need to get out of bed. I am not particularly good at thinking of things to do for myself even though there are so many things that I can do. When nobody else is around it seems unnecessary to do things which suggests to me that the things I do are done because either somebody else finds my presence useful, or because I find the activity a good way to escape from others. That all seems rather sad to me, do I really need others to motivate me to either join in or escape them?
Certainly the reason I got out of bed this morning was because I needed to rescue a violin from a school and take it to its owner at music camp. This scenario is not one that I would voluntarily undertake but since it was one of my children involved, I accept that it was up to me to fix the issue. The practical problem solving me knew what I had to do, and the autistic bit made sure I reviewed all possible interactions so that for instance I was prepared to make the phone call to the school if I couldn’t get into the reception. The adventure lasted a couple of hours as a round trip.
I took the dog with me because he needs to spend more time in the car to learn that on the whole car journeys are boring and that he doesn’t always go for a walk when he travels in it. Okay that was a bit left field. The dog can get very excited and whiny when he is in the car, which can drive all humans in the car demented. A dog trainer suggested that he does this because he sees all car journeys as exciting dog walks, so now wherever the car goes, so does the dog but most of the time when the car stops he now sleeps curled up in the boot.
On the way back from the violin drop off I stopped in a park and walked the dog. Whilst the walk is mainly focused on the dog’s needs I do admit that it is good for me. The last couple of times I have even jogged a bit with him to increase both our levels of fitness. I enjoy being able to run a bit, it would seem the dog doesn’t share my enthusiasm.
The morning thus disappeared in acts focus on a child and a dog. It seemed a good day to fast but fasting means keeping myself distracted from food and because I felt I hadn’t really exercise my freedom in the morning, I decided that I would watch some television to past the time. The problem with on-demand TV is that it is very easy to keep watching a series despite the intention of only watching a couple of programmes. It gets to the point though that I know that like lying in bed too long, too much TV starts my fuzzing up my mind and headaches followed by depression can set in. In short, TV watching doesn’t seem to be living life to me.
So I turned to writing which seems to work better, but finding something to say seems rather difficult too. A numbed mind is not the most creative instrument to work with.
Whilst tidying up in the bedroom last week I came across a poster I had creative during a writing workshop which has the heading “What really matters”. It has post-its stuck over it listing things that at that time were important to me. As I look over the A2 sheet I wonder how many of these ideals I would write now? I actually think it would be a bit of struggle to come up with much at all when I am in this state. There are thirty-three post-its on the poster which feels far too many to get my head around at the moment. The one perhaps that calls to me most is “exercise body and mind” which seems like a good thing to do, whilst “stand out from the crowd” seems the least appealing. Why would I want to do that?
I guess I am exercising my mind by writing this, but I think I need to move on again too. I do have a book group title to keep reading, and some music to transcribe so perhaps they will do instead. As for physical exercise, it appears to be raining so I don’t think I will be going out immediately. I have been thinking about reorganizing my CD collection, maybe doing that whilst singing will do?