I stayed up far too late last night playing online video games. I hadn’t been on for a couple of days deliberately because I was beginning to change my time zone through playing too late UK time, but yesterday was Friday and with nothing on in the morning I felt it was okay to spend time online with my friends. It is easy to lose track of time with good video games and this one is designed for five people to find challenging, and in fact we only had three. We took time, but we did successfully beat it though celebrating that doesn’t really happen unless you are in the know. I think my son is the only one I know that would appreciate it.

So this afternoon when I got up, I wondered how I would be feeling. Again, the veil of depression descended on me. I managed to get dressed and eat breakfast but pushing myself to do either writing, studying, or accounts wasn’t happening. Instead I decided to go for a sunny walk with the dog. It was a nice enough walk. There has been snow on the ground for a few days now but I was surprised that where it had been compacted, it hadn’t turned to ice but still had a rough grippyness to it so I was apply to walk up and down the paved slopes in the park. We met a few other dogs and owners but nobody we knew. My mood was not alleviated really, I took some deep breaths at one point forcing the cold air into my lungs, feeling it move into my body. I tried to concentrate on the feeling of freshness and hang onto it, but the experience quickly disappeared behind the blanket of numbness, the lack of feeling.

My wife and I had agreed to go swimming in the afternoon so I had some time to kill. I looked at my emails and Google had sent me one giving me £2 to spend in the play store on anything I wanted. Normally I ignore this offers for films or music because I don’t use them but I thought there might be an app I could buy that might be useful. I did a search on my computer for the “ten best android apps” and looked through one that listed fifteen. One or two caught my eye but the article was over a year old and so I went back to the search and found one that was published this month; yesterday to be precise. I thought it would be good to double check the first articles recommendations but the second story covered one hundred applications. I decided it was one way of spending the time waiting.

I found swimming tough but managed to push through the inertia and cover nearly 2km using all four main strokes. Physically exercise releases endorphins which in turn lightens people’s mood and I certain felt pretty much okay after swimming. As I was getting changed, I wondered whether the less negative mood would stay with me. It feels that I hadn’t written for a while and it occurred to me that perhaps I could have a look over my blog and remind myself of days when I have been feeling more content.

I wish I understood why, but once I have finished a blog post and published it, I seem to lose a connection with it and will often struggle to remember what it was I wrote about. So when I come back to a post it seems to be written by someone else (a positive aspect of this is I will now see the typos and bad grammar). I recognise it as my own work, I remember writing it, but I don’t feel it is my own work even though I know logically it is. It sounds kind of silly, but I am often impressed by what I write and find it hard to believe that those words come from this/my mind.

I tried to find a post where I described coming off anti-depressants since I have a vague memory of being content then. I wanted to see how I described it. I wanted to reconnect back to that time when the future looked brighter. I struggled to find the post (now I wonder if there even was one). I clicked on the “celebration” category but nothing stood out. I tried the “depression” category, again nothing. I wanted to a NOT filter on the “depression” category but I couldn’t so I went back to the “celebration” one and chose to read the “Time to stop?” post. It turned out to be about stopping blogging though it did mention seeing my GP and coming off the pills.

I’ve read a few more posts and have come to the conclusion that I never got around to writing about coming off anti-depressants. I feel I have made a mistake now.

I finished looking through the hundred apps recommended before I started writing this. Looking at the short list of seven I would probably choose the language learning one called “Mondly” but I need to see how it compares to Duolingo first.

As for the depression, it didn’t really come back after the swimming. There are a few things haunting me that can plunge me into anxiety holes but I am pushing them to one side for now, and that’s okay. Perhaps I should just start the day with a heavy dose of exercise.

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