I am just off the phone to my wife. We will be meeting up at out book club in an hour or so and she had left me a voice message asking me a number of things she would like me to do before the meeting. She assumes that I am driving when in fact I am getting a lift so I ring her back and explain. This doesn’t go down well, she has a plan and wants to keep to it, but we talk through the various issues and there is nothing that cannot wait until tomorrow. She worries about what to do with the recycling because there are visitors to the office tomorrow so it to be hidden away. I suggest tucking it under the table by the door but this isn’t good enough, she is going to put it into the safe anyway and says she isn’t finding my comments helpful. I immediately disengage with the conversation and stick to monosyllabic words to show I am still listening. I end the conversation (!) as soon as possible; I wasn’t exactly finding it helpful either.

It feels like I have fallen into the same trap again, my wife is thinking out loud and doesn’t actually want my opinion, she is talking at me not with me and anything I say is interrupting her thoughts and unhelpful. It isn’t always like this, there are times when she does want my opinion but I don’t really have one so I don’t give it immediately but need to think my way towards it (by writing or silent meditation). There are times when my wife is being indirect about something e.g. describing how bad the weather is but actually wanting a lift to the train station; I don’t get it or sometimes I do but am fed up with playing games and need a straight question. Conversations are often not easy, sad to say.

I said that I am less capable of doing things when my wife is away because my expectation is to carry on life the same as when she is here, but the reality is I cannot because it becomes apparent how much my wife does when she is here. I also feel less capable when she is back too, or I do at the moment.

I went for a bike ride with friends this morning and I was a bit underdressed so certain areas never really warmed up enough for an enjoyable ride. I worked hard to keep warm but now I feel rather fatigued. However I have walked the dog twice today, have been shopping to get parsnips (there seems to be a shortage currently), made soup, read a book in between, taken the girls to orchestra practice and I am currently cooking dinner whilst typing this. Getting a phone call wanted me to do more things wasn’t really what I needed, but it seems I have postponed this until tomorrow. I really don’t like having a list of things to do tomorrow because I tend to forget them plus there are always more things to do tomorrow to add on and I really don’t want to thing about that.

The first thing I knew of my wife’s return was being woken up by noises she made getting into the house. There were noises of her moving around the house, and the ever unsubtle clonking of putting clean dishes away. I tried to sleep through all this unsuccessfully. Breakfast was full of chat and discussion between my wife and my daughter, whilst for the most part I listened to how interesting and renewing my wife’s trip to the south of England had been. When asked about my news, all I could come up with was a sore intercostal muscle and how I was avoiding coughing, sneezing, or laughing too hard. The noise levels around breakfast were quite a contrast to the previous week.

Where does this leave me? Coping with change I guess, and not particularly well. It kind of makes life rather difficult.

Advertisements