I thought I would try a different form of creative writing today since I am on holiday. This is an imaginary meeting of two guys in a coffee shop. If you don’t like swearing then I suggest you skip this post.

Excuse me, mind if I sit here?


Do you mind if I talk to you, or do you prefer to sit in silence?

That’s two questions.


You asked if I minded you talking to me; that’s the first question.


The second question was whether I like to sit in silence.

Oh right. [pause] I guess you don’t mind me talking to you then. Do you?

Do I what?

Well, mind me talking to you.

Doesn’t look as though I have a lot of choice mate.

Right. [pause] sorry.

You’re sorry.



I’m sorry if I disturbed you.

You’re sorry you disturbed me?



[pause] I sat here because I wanted to compliment you on your beard.

You do realise you are still disturbing me, don’t you?

Oh, right. Sorry.

Thank you.


You say that a lot, don’t you?

Umm. I think I’m a bit confused.

You’re confused.

Yes, that’s what I said.

I’m glad we’re on the same wavelength then [smiles].

I’m confused because you said “thank you”.


[pause] Why did you say “thank you”?

Because [pause] it is my standard response when somebody says nice things about my beard. Where you looking for something else?

Oh, that makes sense.

Does it? Not to my question it doesn’t.

You asked a question?


I think I missed that.


Do you mind asking it again?

No, I don’t think I mind.

[pause] So what was the question?

Where you looking for something else?

[pause, shakes head] Fuck, you’re doing my head in. That makes no sense to me. And don’t say I understood before, because I obviously didn’t did I? I thought I’d sit here and have a chat about beards, but no, this seemingly nice looking guy turns out to be a psycho torturer intent on making people take their own lives. You know what? Fuck you, I’m off [gets up to leave].

I’m sorry I did your head in.

Well that’s fucking fine isn’t it. What am I supposed to do now?

I guess you have a choice. [pause] Either stay and sit down, and I will try to explain to you why I was happy you asked to sit next to me, or stomp off and tell your mates you met this psycho torturer in Nero’s. [pause] Would you like another coffee?

[sighs, sits down] A cappuccino please, I’ll have a blueberry muffin too while you at it.

[smiles] Ok, fair enough. I’ll be back in a minute

Sorry for calling you a psycho torturer by the way.

[pause] I kinda like it actually. I like your beard too.