I thought I would try a different form of creative writing today since I am on holiday. This is an imaginary meeting of two guys in a coffee shop. If you don’t like swearing then I suggest you skip this post.
Excuse me, mind if I sit here?
Do you mind if I talk to you, or do you prefer to sit in silence?
That’s two questions.
You asked if I minded you talking to me; that’s the first question.
The second question was whether I like to sit in silence.
Oh right. [pause] I guess you don’t mind me talking to you then. Do you?
Do I what?
Well, mind me talking to you.
Doesn’t look as though I have a lot of choice mate.
Right. [pause] sorry.
I’m sorry if I disturbed you.
You’re sorry you disturbed me?
[pause] I sat here because I wanted to compliment you on your beard.
You do realise you are still disturbing me, don’t you?
Oh, right. Sorry.
You say that a lot, don’t you?
Umm. I think I’m a bit confused.
Yes, that’s what I said.
I’m glad we’re on the same wavelength then [smiles].
I’m confused because you said “thank you”.
[pause] Why did you say “thank you”?
Because [pause] it is my standard response when somebody says nice things about my beard. Where you looking for something else?
Oh, that makes sense.
Does it? Not to my question it doesn’t.
You asked a question?
I think I missed that.
Do you mind asking it again?
No, I don’t think I mind.
[pause] So what was the question?
Where you looking for something else?
[pause, shakes head] Fuck, you’re doing my head in. That makes no sense to me. And don’t say I understood before, because I obviously didn’t did I? I thought I’d sit here and have a chat about beards, but no, this seemingly nice looking guy turns out to be a psycho torturer intent on making people take their own lives. You know what? Fuck you, I’m off [gets up to leave].
I’m sorry I did your head in.
Well that’s fucking fine isn’t it. What am I supposed to do now?
I guess you have a choice. [pause] Either stay and sit down, and I will try to explain to you why I was happy you asked to sit next to me, or stomp off and tell your mates you met this psycho torturer in Nero’s. [pause] Would you like another coffee?
[sighs, sits down] A cappuccino please, I’ll have a blueberry muffin too while you at it.
[smiles] Ok, fair enough. I’ll be back in a minute
Sorry for calling you a psycho torturer by the way.
[pause] I kinda like it actually. I like your beard too.