As a result of my hospital stay a week again, it occurred to me that there are times in my life when traumatic things happen and sometimes these things dont come with closure. That’s okay of course, not everything can be easily processed and sorted but we find our own way of coping and I think that my way is trying to forget. Unfortunately it is quite difficult to forget traumatic things and nigh on impossible when a similarly traumatic event rolls along (gastrocopies a case in point). I found that deep breathing helps, as does being honest with the people around me but something that I often forget is to remind myself that I have survived this experience before.

There is great strength in our pasts and I think acknowledging that is vitally important to how I cope in the future. So I started making a list of traumatic events in the past. This list is my own and some things on it may seem trivial now but at the time they were raw and emotional filled (overwhelming?) events that I can still touch in my mind but tend to avoid due to the associated pain.

  • coming home to no pets after the last dog was “put to sleep”
  • my father’s unexpected death whilst he was on holiday
  • my father’s funeral unable to speak to others after the ceremony
  • the wail of my grandmother on hearing of my grandfather’s death in hospital
  • sedation before transplant not knowing if I would wake up again
  • haemorrhage awareness in the middle of a gastroscopy and the struggle for survival
  • nurses squeezing blood into each air as I bled out and seeing my skin go blue
  • waking with a baloon down my oesophagus and trying not to panic
  • terrifying clarinet grade exams
  • waiting for o level results
  • needing to pee and trying to open the front door
  • crashing into a wall on a bike and narrowly missing smashing all my front teeth
  • going off to university and the loneliness of living alone
  • being hit by my father
  • being chased by a mob of teenagers
  • people the first person to be told that the person talking had been raped
  • being mugged in the Science Museum
  • being given the last rites
  • being verbally abused and threatened by a local man
  • trying to decide on a doctor’s suggestion that I go into hospital
  • having spent 10 days in hospital and escaped to be told that I would need to go back in
  • mental breakdown during mock o level exames

I could do on, but the point is that I survived and so I can use that knowledge to increase my resilience to future traumas.