If we were having coffee right now I would tell you that sometimes there is too much going on in my mind. Sometimes I feel that there is too much to process and my brain can’t contain what it has, let alone what is going on outside it. I can’t decide if I am making progress with accessing my emotions or I am screwing myself up.
If we were having coffee right now I would tell you that I am hopeful that the change is for the better. It may not feel like it at the moment, but fourteen years of nurturing is going to take time to put in place. It makes sense to me that if I am dropping my no emotion filter, then Iearning new less strict filters will be painful. I guess the problem will be if I am unable to put new filters in place, or my mind is unable to learn quick enough.
If we were having coffee right now I would tell you how important my writing has become to me, how important it is to know that somebody reads it.
The writing is important because it gives me peace of mind for a while, a clearing out of the rubbish bin if you like. However the clean feeling doesn’t seem to last very long nowadays, the anxiety and therefore the challenge is returning more quickly and sometimes sleeping is what gives me peace. If I can sleep that is. The safe zone of my bedroom no longer gives me peace, my mind no longer finds calm there. Where once it was external demands that set my mind racing, now it seems my own mind sparks a multitude of ideas. If I don’t process the thoughts out, they can grow.
When I try to sleep, I find myself clinging to three good things I’ve done in the day, naming and exploring them but if I am not careful I get distracted by other thoughts, other ideas and I need to be on my guard to refocus myself on the good things. It becomes almost a mantra. What are the three good things you did today? Why were they good? Repeat until asleep.
If we were having coffee right now you would point out that I haven’t said anything about why it is important for me that people read what I write. I would reply that I thought it wasn’t, but looking over why I wrote the blog at the start, intrinsically I am looking to see if I am the same as others rather than being different. That implies that I need a readership with implies I am writing for others to read. I guess I am saying that I don’t want to be alone on this journey.
If we were having coffee right now I think you would point out that I haven’t told any of my friends about the blog. After initially protesting about my wife knowing (and you of course) I would have to concede you are right. I would say that I want to people to come to my blog on their own path and not have any preconceived ideas about me. Underneath though I suspect it is more about people knowing about my depression and struggles, but this reminds me how I went about hiding being on anti-depressants to my friends, how I let he stigma affect how I was perceived. Perhaps it is time to change that.