If we were having coffee right now I would probably avoid talking about my depression even though I know it is better to mention it. But since you know about it you would probably ask how I was getting on. I would tell you that I still have this feeling of being separated into the functional everyday man I appear to be and this lost child desperately searching for a way out to express his feelings and fears. I feel pretty stable on the surface, and it occurred to me the other day that I no longer could tell I was on antidepressants, my altered state has become the norm. I couldn’t decide if that was a good or bad thing. There are times when I do something and I am aware that a part of me just feels like crying; a part of me is sad. I want to find this part and let it out. I want to feel. I think that if I can connect with this sadness then maybe it will help me connect with happiness and other emotions. Maybe that is a bit optimistic, it would be nice to have more of a clue as to how I am feeling.
If we were having coffee right now, I would ask you about your experiences of therapy. My GP has given me a name and number but I am, I am what? I think I am scared of trying to contact him, scared of being judged, scared about what I might find out? You know, I am actually scared of finding out that there is nothing I can do; I am like this for the rest of my life, battling to know who I am, battling to find meaning and passion. That’s the emotion speaking though. I know I can change, I know I can become somebody different. Maybe the underlying insecurities will always be there, but I have progressed through life so far. I have changed and grown for the better. I can continue to do so, particularly if I share what’s going on in my head.
If we were having coffee right now, I would tell you of my progress. I “came out” about my depression to two different groups I belong to. These are the groups that I am more open with, and who trust me in return. I would tell you that I feel better for telling people. I would also say that this blog is part of my therapy too; it is part of me becoming more creative, and allowing myself to be challenged by others. There are many things I struggle to get done in my life, but writing doesn’t seem to be one of them.
If we were having coffee right now I would ask you if you had finished eating your food. You know I don’t like waste, and it’s wrong to throw out good food. Yes, you’re right, I don’t need to eat it, but it tastes so, so, good.